Friday, July 19, 2002

Friday, July 19, 2002

I am walking in superspeed and my mind is going in slow motion. My mother called me from Oakland this morning, before I went to work, and said that they found a cyst in her stomach. They saw it on an ultrasound machine, and then through a camera they inserted in her stomach. They will have to preform a biopsy on it to determine if it is a tumor, and if it is malignant, or benign. I am not feeling much of anything but numbness. I can't get scared because it might just be a benign tumor/cyst thingie that can be removed and thats that. Or it can be cancer. She has been feeling very sick, so the probability that this is a malignant tumor is a possibility and this chance of it being cancer has made me go into a weird state. I can think, and laugh, and smile, and all the things I usually do, but just below the surface is the fear for my mother. I have thought about it more than a hundred times today.

For all the pain, and neglect, and aching my mother has put me through, I love her dearly. So much. When I talk to her, I get upset easily because she always seem to be against me, and she still puts me down. Yet, for all her faults I see a wonderful woman, who never let her children go hungry, who worked in the fields to make ends meet, who jumped into dumpsters to collect cans so that we could have clothes for school. I am proud of the person she is and was.

I can't imagine life without her. If she did have cancer, I know she wouldn't die right away, she might even make it through it..but I think of the pain that the cure causes. I have never been around people with cancer, but from what I have read and seen about it, the means in which they treat it are very painful. I don't want her to go through that. All I can do is pray, and hope that the God I am not sure exists helps her.

Thursday, July 18, 2002

Child Abuse - Thursday, July 18, 2002

I was reading the latest TIME magazine and there was an article about a little boy who had been beaten while in the child protective services care in Florida. It had a lot of political crap about how this was affecting Jeb Bush and his re-election hopes. But the important issue was reforming the social services in Florida so that children don't slip through the cracks as they had on previous occasions.

They were supposed to be monitoring him due to child abuse allegations, but they didn't. His case worker was scheduled to be checking on him, but on the days that she did go, he was never there, and on days she *supposedly went*, she lied and fibbed on the paperwork. Well, on a day she had supposedly went, and *saw* that he was happy and smiling, a man who was watching him beat him to death (just because the little boy infant had soiled himself) and then wrapped up his body and threw him in a ditch.

There was reported abuse before, but because this social worker never saw the boy, it was all unsubstantiated. If she had only done her job, that beautiful little boy would still be alive. It makes me sick how adults fail children this way.

I held my sons a little longer last night.