Friday, July 19, 2002

I am walking in superspeed and my mind is going in slow motion. My mother called me from Oakland this morning, before I went to work, and said that they found a cyst in her stomach. They saw it on an ultrasound machine, and then through a camera they inserted in her stomach. They will have to preform a biopsy on it to determine if it is a tumor, and if it is malignant, or benign. I am not feeling much of anything but numbness. I can't get scared because it might just be a benign tumor/cyst thingie that can be removed and thats that. Or it can be cancer. She has been feeling very sick, so the probability that this is a malignant tumor is a possibility and this chance of it being cancer has made me go into a weird state. I can think, and laugh, and smile, and all the things I usually do, but just below the surface is the fear for my mother. I have thought about it more than a hundred times today.

For all the pain, and neglect, and aching my mother has put me through, I love her dearly. So much. When I talk to her, I get upset easily because she always seem to be against me, and she still puts me down. Yet, for all her faults I see a wonderful woman, who never let her children go hungry, who worked in the fields to make ends meet, who jumped into dumpsters to collect cans so that we could have clothes for school. I am proud of the person she is and was.

I can't imagine life without her. If she did have cancer, I know she wouldn't die right away, she might even make it through it..but I think of the pain that the cure causes. I have never been around people with cancer, but from what I have read and seen about it, the means in which they treat it are very painful. I don't want her to go through that. All I can do is pray, and hope that the God I am not sure exists helps her.


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