Stuff About Me - Entry for November 10, 2006

When I was a child, my mother would tell everyone, even strangers, every detail about our lives. It would mortify me. I always thought it was to gain sympathy. Sometimes I fear I am like her because I too do not hold much back about myself.

I know she loves me in her own way, and I know it would hurt her to read this if she could. But the truth is the truth, she was not a good mother.

I guess that is why I take such pains in making sure my children get the mother they deserve. I have not really discussed my children online. This may be construed many ways, but for me it is because I love them. They have a right to their privacy and their thoughts and hopes and dreams. It is only up to me to nurture those aspirations inside them. To be their confidante.

They are the most beautiful beings that have ever touched my life. They make me smile, make me dream, and make me want to give them the best life possible. They make me proud to be a human and to have compassion and empathy. They make me want to get my degree. My sons are truly my inspiration. They have a complete and total love that I have never received from anyone. As such, they are the recipients of the best parts of me. I will never be too tired or too upset to play with them. In my more selfish moments, I wish I could freeze time and make sure they never grow up. I quickly dismiss that idea because I see how much they learn and absorb new ideas. I want to see that. I want to be the one that helps them grapple with life's problems.

I know one day they will grow up and leave, but until that proud and sad day, I will be their rock. I might not ever show them my writings and musing, because to them, I am the strongest person in the world. To my sons, I know everything and I can answer all their questions. I never want them to see the weak, confused and hurt woman that I feel I am.

Today's conundrum: "Mama, I thought we eat animals that died already. How can so many animals die to give us food? *his eyes widened* Do the farmers kill the animals, Mama?"

Today also marks an important event for me. I was talking with someone very wonderful. But I guess I am not ready to take things further with anyone right now. Unlike Vanessa the mother, Vanessa the woman is not ready to take on life's challenges.


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