Wash in Cold Water Please -- Discourse on Self - January 27, 2007

A lot of thought has been spent contemplating my essence. Who am I? More than one friend has asked me to define myself. In truth, I am not sure who I am. Can someone really be defined in a few words-- in a page? There are years of existence molding a character. How can you fairly define a person.

When I used to consider this problem, I invariably brought up the past. I think of my childhood, my siblings, my parents, and my ex-husband. They have molded the path of my life. But they cannot BE me. I do not want to dwell on my past any more. I do not want to be a slave to my memories.

There is a crutch to be found in memories. Memories can be vivid, painful, but they also can be beautiful too. I used to think that if my mother had just shown me more attention or shown me more kindness as a child, I could be so much more stronger and successful. The same thing is happening now with my ex-husband. I keep blaming him for not finishing school and for being afraid to love again. But he is not in my life any more. I can go back to school if I tried hard enough; I could find a way. There are so many resources out there that I have to find. No longer will I use him as an excuse for failing to act.

I MAKE THE DECLARATION, THIS NIGHT, JANUARY 27, 2007, THAT I WILL NO LONGER BE A VICTIM.

Thus far my entries in this blog have been a recounting of my past as though they are what I am. A lot of people have suffered in their life and they are strong and don't complain. I am sick of complaining. I no longer want pity. I want to be seen as strong. I do not want to be a cynic more than I have to.

I, Vanessa, am an artist, writer, poet, nerd, computer geek, singer, loving mother, mentor, helper, tutor, cook, programmer, giggler, smiler, lover, and fighter who's also passionate, compassionate, and empathetic.

I am going to put my new-found freedom to work for me. I will be strong and I will not throw pity parties for myself.

*breathes deeply*

a hobby that I can enjoy no matter where I go. - January 23, 2007

People who know me have heard me sing at one point or another. If they are really close to me (or just plain unlucky), they have heard me more times than they can count. That does not mean I have a bad voice. It is a really good voice (and no, it's not just because my mother told me so), it's just that I am always singing.

I sing for the pleasure it brings me. Of course, I want people to think I am good, but I have no aspirations for more. I will not be gallivanting around the country trying to become a star. It's not me and it's not what I want.

With that being said, I do so love to sing. I sing in my regular chat room, I sing in a music room, and I sing in the Yahoo Karaoke Club chat rooms. I sing at the top of my lungs in the car, I sing in the shower, I sing while cooking, I sing while thinking, I sing and sing and sing. It is a hobby that I can enjoy no matter where I go.

When my life has settled down a bit, I think I would enjoy singing in a community choir or perhaps at a night club. Not in this town, but places where they have blues and jazz clubs. That would be nice.

Visit with the Family/New Living Arrangements - January 14, 2007

Things are changing and evolving so rapidly. When was the fast-forward button hit on my life? I thought my growth would take on a slower pace. That I would stumble many times before I felt the kind of happiness I am experiencing right now.

Last week, I made the decision to invite my ex's sister to live with me. She is a young woman who was in a bad relationship and needed someone. In struck a chord with me. I have known her since she was 8 years old. I realized that I don't need my ex to approve her living with me. I could care less if he likes or dislikes his sister. I know she is going to work well in my household. She spent more than an hour with my guinea pigs, so I have given her my seal of approval.

When I went to pick her up, I spent time with the ex in-laws. They were kind and it was a nice get together. Then I drove down south for my cousin's birthday party. This too was a big thing for me. The Ex never wanted me to go to family gatherings. He would make me feel guilty or wrong for even wanting to go. I had so much fun! My family is this group of fun-loving, loving, caring, adventurous, humorous, gorgeous people. I enjoyed myself too much. That means I drank and got tipsy. But I was with family and I was not driving anywhere. After dancing till my legs could not support me, I sat talking with my cousin's friend. We were both tipsy and discussing Einstein and Isaac Newton. He went into a ramble about e=mc^2, and I was trying to discuss how Isaac Newton did not have the math available at the time to predict orbits because of how different celestial bodies pull on each other ....blah blah blah....

The next day I went to my aunt's furniture store. We even discussed the creation of a website for her business. I was happy that she was considering letting me do it. I have to start working on that and working on my sister's code too. (i didn't forget Ruby...mwah)

[Lessons learned: 1- My pacing technique really worked. Only one alcoholic drink every hour. 2 - I tend to get philosophical when drinking. 3- make sure victims of ramblings are just as interested in weird things
4 - Very nerdy but in a harmless way. *smile* ]

I took many pictures that I will have to post.

I feel happy and I love my family.

January 4, 2007