Saturday, January 27, 2007

Wash in Cold Water Please -- Discourse on Self - January 27, 2007

A lot of thought has been spent contemplating my essence. Who am I? More than one friend has asked me to define myself. In truth, I am not sure who I am. Can someone really be defined in a few words-- in a page? There are years of existence molding a character. How can you fairly define a person.

When I used to consider this problem, I invariably brought up the past. I think of my childhood, my siblings, my parents, and my ex-husband. They have molded the path of my life. But they cannot BE me. I do not want to dwell on my past any more. I do not want to be a slave to my memories.

There is a crutch to be found in memories. Memories can be vivid, painful, but they also can be beautiful too. I used to think that if my mother had just shown me more attention or shown me more kindness as a child, I could be so much more stronger and successful. The same thing is happening now with my ex-husband. I keep blaming him for not finishing school and for being afraid to love again. But he is not in my life any more. I can go back to school if I tried hard enough; I could find a way. There are so many resources out there that I have to find. No longer will I use him as an excuse for failing to act.

I MAKE THE DECLARATION, THIS NIGHT, JANUARY 27, 2007, THAT I WILL NO LONGER BE A VICTIM.

Thus far my entries in this blog have been a recounting of my past as though they are what I am. A lot of people have suffered in their life and they are strong and don't complain. I am sick of complaining. I no longer want pity. I want to be seen as strong. I do not want to be a cynic more than I have to.

I, Vanessa, am an artist, writer, poet, nerd, computer geek, singer, loving mother, mentor, helper, tutor, cook, programmer, giggler, smiler, lover, and fighter who's also passionate, compassionate, and empathetic.

I am going to put my new-found freedom to work for me. I will be strong and I will not throw pity parties for myself.

*breathes deeply*

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