Friday, February 9, 2007

Maybe I'll Learn to Swim One Day Too - February 9, 2007

Life is all about growth and learning. When we learn new skills, we advance. This holds true for an infant learning how to crawl, then walk, and it holds true for adults. I want to grow. I want to be a strong and confident woman for my children. I want to provide more for them. Instead of sitting on my hands fretting, I have decided to do something about it. To this end, I have enrolled in school again, and the thought of applying myself to study is filling me with dread. This fear is inexplicable because I enjoy learning. I wish I could know more about . . . everything. (I've recently been teased because I like to learn on my own.) Despite this passion, the pressure of being graded again (and paying for it as well) is daunting.

There is also the common belief that an online degree is perhaps not the most reputable degree one can obtain. I think obtaining any degree right now would good enough. I have never been happy taking half-measures. Perhaps I can do it this once and take a chance. I have noticed that I plan to the point where I decide not to do something. I am not giving myself that opportunity.

Taking on a student loan is worrying me too. I am making ends meet right now. I hope that I am still in my position in two years and will be making enough money to cover monthly student loan payments. I have no reason to expect that I won't, but the thought is in the background. Will this degree be worth it? I hope so.

These are tumultuous times. I am sitting at my desk and looking around. This is still the same reality of last week, and the week before, but everything feels different. My equanimity is gone. I am fearful of the new changes, but without them I will stagnate. Someone told me, "You study, take tests, you read, what's there to worry about?" I worry about failing. I worry about not being good enough. I guess I am scared of changing things again when my life is finally starting to make sense. I am learning who I really am --outside of the "couple" I used to make with my ex-husband. But worrying leads to inactivity, so I have to stop myself right there.

On a more positive note, it is not all fear. I am excited about getting a better education. I will be interacting with other students, albeit virtually, and I genuinely enjoy learning. An advantage to getting an online degree is that I will be able to study at home. I will be able to take a class and then attend to my children if they need attention. I won't have to dress up and drive to school at all hours of the day and juggle a work schedule.

Classes start on February 21st. I am a little fluttery thinking about it. I can recall almost every first day of school since kindergarten. I always told myself that the new school year would bring new friends and experiences. It didn't always work out this way, and my current situation is hardly the same, but the little flutter is still there.

We will see.