Showing posts from 2009


DECLARATION: We all live under the illusion that if we just work hard enough and want it bad enough, that life will become easier. That's a bunch of bull shit and the sooner we realize it, the sooner we will not feel so horribly when things go wrong. They always go wrong.

Don't Ask/ Don't Tell

The military's Don't Ask/Don't Tell policy is discrimination sanctioned by a law -- a law that doesn't make sense. "Since don't ask, don't tell was introduced, the military has discharged more than 13,000 lesbians, gays and bisexuals, according to the Service members Legal Defense Network. A 2005 government report found that about 800 of them had skills deemed 'critical,' such as engineering and linguistics, and that it cost the military about $200 million to recruit and train their replacements." According to Wikipedia , "Don't ask, Don't Tell" is the policy regarding gays and lesbians serving openly in the U.S. military. The policy prohibits anyone who "demonstrate(s) a propensity or intent to engage in homosexual acts" from serving in the armed forces of the United States, because "it would create an unacceptable risk to the high standards of morale, good order and discipline, and unit cohesion that are t

Time Travel - A Poem

for my sons If I were given the chance to live again To feel the pure love of a mother and father To revel with the friends I never had To run where my heart wished to And meet a true love If I were given an elixir To make the past disappear To remove the pains of my youth To erase the sorrows that destroyed my faith And look at life with a smooth brow If I were granted the power To change one moment of my story To alter the course of my existence To explore new universes And all that it would entail I would refuse the gift I would refuse it every time I would slam the door on the salesman I would stub the toe of the scientist I would curse the witch And free the genie Because in choosing a new past I would lose my future I would lose you I would lose the happiest days of my life And the reason I felt it was worth living Your love shines through me like the piercing rays of the morning Your smile envelops me like a coat on a cold day Every second of your existence fills my cons

October 23, 2009

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love, but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward, nor tarries with yesterday. --Kahlil Gibran I love my sons at every moment, but there are moments when I am looking at them and I overflow with emotion. Love is such a wonderful thing.

I have my very own time machine

I was walking through the grocery store the other day, and I was struck by the red apples that were on display. They were larger than the apples I have seen earlier this season. I picked up one of those luscious looking red apples, and inhaled deeply. I was instantly transported to a different time. When I was four and five years old, I lived in a rural part of Washington State near the border of Canada on an apple orchard. While my parents were working in the orchard, us children stayed in the car or played amongst the trees that bordered their working area. I wasn't afraid of those cheery trees. There is something magical about that time as we ran through the neat rows. And every act was accompanied by the smell of apples permeating the air. I have had other smells bring me back to Washington, and to a small ranch house in Tepusquet on the outskirts of Santa Maria, to the backyard of my home on Alvin Avenue, and into the arms of my love when I was first a doe-eyed

On Hope

We are not rainmen in the persuit of hope. We cannot dance around and wait for some of it to fall on us -- however parched we are for it. We must ride up into the clouds and seize it, force it down our gullets, and let it infuse our hungry cells. Hope is not for the helpless. Hope is for those brave enough to fight for it.

On thrift stores, books, and Phantoms

Thrift store DEFINITION: A non-profit or for-profit retail establishment selling previously owned, second-hand items ranging from clothes, housewares, appliances, books, electronics, and miscellanea. Donations to thrift stores are usually tax-deductible. Here Wikipedia's international description of a thrift store, also known as a charity shop. The thrift store was always an exciting place to go growing up. We didn’t have a lot of money, so every couple of months, we’d hit the local thrift store for clothing and other supplies. This is a picture of the thrift store I remember the most. It’s the RAD Thrift Store, located at 215 West Main Street, Santa Maria, California. There is a smell to thrift stores (at least all the thrift stores that I have ever visited). It smells like body odor, mildew, disinfectant, perhaps ages of perfumes, cigarette smoke, dank attics, danker basements, and lastly, I suppose it smells like poverty. I can remember running through the aisles

First Day of School - Goodbye Summer

Even though the Southern California sun is scorching the land and wildfires are raging throughout parts of Los Angeles and Riverside counties, the summer is officially ending for me and my sons. We have been lazing around, watching television, playing, spending time with each other, going to the beach, the park, and just enjoying ourselves. Sure, I have had to go to work almost every day, but having my sons at home (and not having to whisk them about for child care and other activities) has been great. Today marked their first day as 4th and 3rd graders. They were a bit nervous, but they appeared to be looking forward to their first day. I was rushing about this morning trying to find the school morning groove, but couldn’t seem to find it. The first day of school just seemed to sneak up on us.

Pluto - Keep it a Planet

As children, most of us grew up with the belief that there are nine planets in our solar system. I was taught a very cute mnemonic device ( M y V ery E ducated M other J ust S erved U s N ine P ickles) to remember the names of the planets in the correct order ( M ercury, V enus, E arth, M ars, J upiter, S aturn, U ranus, N eptune, P luto) . Millions of solar system models have been made -- giving easy A's to kids around the world. Every primary science textbook and hard-bound encyclopedia shows these 9 planets surrounding our resplendent sun. But in 2006, the dillweeds at the International Astronomical Union (IAU) voted that Pluto was not a planet. Only 4% of its members voted. In what other galaxy can only 4% of eligible voting members pass such a momentous decision. The world would be in utter ruin if only 4% of any given governing body could vote and pass their agenda. Granted, we'd all probably have a public health care option in the United States if this were th

Karaoke Bar - A poem

While souls sing of Their dreams once forgotten Eyes flash across the throngs And alight on desire Music cascades down Mounds of flesh And pools in the thighs Parted in dance Smiles are illuminated By the red lights overhead Flaws erased by the darkness And the burning of spirits The echo of billiards Landing in pockets Empty of tithing money Reverberates in the lulls Hymns to the gods of leisure While discordant voices Sing away the night Not mother's lullaby But comforting nonetheless

Did I Ever Say I Giggled Like A Loon?

There was a character on the show, "That 70's Show," named Kitty Foreman [Debra Jo Rupp]. I will just assume you don't know who she is. She was the "matriarch" that watched over a group of teens that hung out with her son. Whenever she was happy, nervous, worried, extremely uncomfortable, or speechless, she would let out a high-pitched laugh. I can't help but relate her laughs to my bouts of laughter. I can't quite convey how it happens. I find the weirdest things funny. I find the placement of newspaper articles funny, I find color choices funny, I find bad jokes funny. At my old job, I went out to lunch with five of my coworkers, and there were some really funny comments made. I laughed and giggled really loudly. While they all smiled and laughed briefly, I noticed that they did not find it as funny as I did. Instead of shutting up or fading off gracefully, I kept right on laughing till I turned red and was slightly gasping for breath.

At War Forever and Ever - A poem

We wrestle on the bed For a few moments Tongues invading and retreating Arms twisting Embracing Caressing We attack and surrender Willingly disarmed Hips thrusting and accepting Legs entwined Pressing Convulsing I would give up my territory If you only wanted it forever

Pregnancy and Preeclampsia - My Story

I had preeclampsia and eclampsia during both my pregnancies. A friend of mine shared a story about her pregnancy with preeclampsia. I wanted to share mine. This is's description of what preeclampsia is. "Preeclampsia is a disorder that occurs only during pregnancy and the postpartum period and affects both the mother and the unborn baby. Affecting at least 5-8% of all pregnancies, it is a rapidly progressive condition characterized by high blood pressure and the presence of protein in the urine. Swelling, sudden weight gain, headaches and changes in vision are important symptoms; however, some women with rapidly advancing disease report few symptoms. Typically, preeclampsia occurs after 20 weeks gestation (in the late 2nd or 3rd trimesters or middle to late pregnancy), though it can occur earlier. Proper prenatal care is essential to diagnose and manage preeclampsia. Preeclampsia, Pregnancy Induced Hypertension (PIH) and toxemia are closely related conditi

The Hands

"Here," she said, "in this here place, we flesh; flesh that weeps, laughs; flesh that dances on bare feet in grass. Love it. Love it hard. Yonder they do not love your flesh. They despise it. They don't love your eyes; they'd just as soon pick em out. No more do they love the skin on your back. Yonder they flay it. And O my people they do not love your hands. Those they only use, tie, bind, chop off and leave empty. Love your hands! Love them. Raise them up and kiss them. Touch others with them, pat them together, stroke them on your face 'cause they don't love that either. You got to love it, You! ... This is flesh I'm talking about here. Flesh that needs to be loved." -- Toni Morrison "The fragrance always remains in the hand that gives the rose." -- Heda Bejar "The hand is the cutting edge of the mind." -- Jacob Bronowski "You can't shake hands with a clenched fist." -- Indira Gandhi "

Star-Crossed - A Poem

In concentric circles we moved Never touching in our self-centered orbits The inertial gaze of our eyes focused on opposing wants Oblivious of the other's existence Then the Fates erred in cruel neglect Crossed our lines and thrust our destinies together We were never meant to travel life as one Our stars were far too volatile to share this gravity Inexorably and inevitably we clashed As the Titans against the Olympians Our Golden Age was headed for the end And we were helpless to stymie the fall In supernova splendor our joining had been heralded The universe reeled when our auras entwined But just as awesome was our implosion And the black hole that left our union in tatters

One of those Questionnaire Things

What do you drink with dinner? Usually a diet soda or some water. What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Ranch What is your favorite type of food/cuisine? My favorite type of food is Mexican food. (real Mexican food as opposed to Taco Bell, El Pollo Loco, The Green Burrito, & Chipotle [can't think of other chains]) What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Old romantic movies Were you in sports in high school? No Were you a boy/girl scout? No When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it? Last week. Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Once, but it was for going 40 mph between a school and a park on a weekend. ugh Ran out of gas? Yes...on a very hot day, on a dirt road. Favorite kind of sandwich? Avocado lover with Turkey Best thing to eat for breakfast? Chilaquiles What is your usual bedtime? 12pm-2am Are you lazy? I can be. I usually have too much to do to be lazy Are you an introvert or an extrove

Happy Birthday to Me!

I'm 27 years old today! I went to karaoke last night, and when the clock struck midnight, Ronn the KJ called me up to the stage, and Mama Jean brought out a birthday cake just for me. It was such a pleasant surprise. I love it.

The Rock -

He was like bedrock Firm and compacted Unmoving and unyielding I had no desire to weather This man of long-held views And entrenched ways I merely wished to stream Along his edges And touch his borders And to chip away Some of his solidity Into my fluidity

Remember there are always worse things . . . .

Just when I think that my life is bad or my sadness is too great, I read the news and realize I'm just a whiney baby who has no cause to feel so depressed. I was going through a crying spell and decided to do what I do when I get upset: I read the news. The world is such a curious place that I'm usually wrapped up for a block of time reading a story, researching tidbits I learned, or reading further clarifications. It's not that I am specifically looking for stories that make my life seem better, but as all you perusers of the news know, the articles are rife with negativity. This evening, I read an article about 29 children dying in a fire at a daycare in Sonora, Mexico . They also confirmed today that the body of the little girl found on the banks of a river in Michigan was the 5-year-old girl, Nevaeh Buchanan , who went missing on May 24, 2009. I also read the uplifting and heart-wrenching story of Betty Makoni , who is a survivor of rape as a child in Zimbabwe.

Product Going National!

In August 2008, I designed the logo and packaging for a golf tee named the SmarTee . The inventor just called me to let me know that my logo would be used in a national spot television commercial. It is a very satisfying feeling.

Power to the Snail!

Slowly millimetering itself along the walkway to my apartment is the everyday garden snail. The snail is not an attractive creature. It does have an interesting shell, but its earth-toned body is slimy and not particularly endearing, and yet, I have such empathy for the snail. Perhaps my empathy stems from its very slowness. That must be it. One day, my sons and I made a quick trip to the local grocery store. Since it is close by my apartment, we walked. On the way down the walkway, we saw a snail had just started to cross the walkway. I advised my sons not to squish the creature, though they didn’t know why. My general answer is that it is a living thing and deserves to live and die naturally. When we returned about 40 minutes later, the snail had gone ¾ of the way across the walkway. My sons were shocked! It had taken the snail so very long to cross and it still had a ways to go. I used the opportunity to convince my boys they shouldn’t kill the snails we see. After

A quote - Isaac Asimov

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov

Swim in My Universe

We all live in parallel dimensions. It is as though there are multiple universes. My universe is different from the universe of the cubicle mate who sits around the corner. His universe is different from the universe of my boss. No one of us has the same perspective as another. The seconds of our lives tick by without ever truly knowing what another is thinking or feeling in that particular second. We can only read or learn about said thought after the fact, and by that time, that particular thought in that unknown second has already been filtered, distilled, or expanded and expounded upon. Is it the pure thought that is more valuable, or is it the revised thought? This is not a question anyone can truly answer. You can make arguments for both. The pure thought is raw, closer to what you really think, and probably closer to what you feel. The revised thought has been refined, weighed and is closer to what you want to think or want to evoke. In high school, I took a c

A reflection

My sons just turned 8 and 9 years old, and I feel as though I was changing their diapers a few months ago. I marvel that I am raising two boys with their own personalities, whims, desires, and needs. I feel inadequate to the task and self-centered at times. I have been taking them out more often to birthday parties and family functions so they can socialize more outside of school. At the same time, I have been spoiling them and buying them things I never had. They both have hand-held game systems, with more than one game. I take them out to eat far more than I ever did as a child. It is no longer a special occasion to them, so I feel I robbed them the feeling of surprise and joy it used to give me as a child. I tell them that they do not realize how lucky they are, but it is solely my fault that they view their possessions as commonplace. I have decided to start taking away their treasured toys for a week every month just so that they can appreciate them more. They impress m

Letter to the President

I wrote a letter to the President today in response to an article I read, " Picking Letters, 10 a Day, That Reach Obama ." I am not sure if he will get it and I don't really want to post it here, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

Too Much

I think too much, my darling Every second is consumed With musings and conjecture Every hour passes a sentence On my lascivious heart I feel too much, my darling The ups and downs of your every smile Move my emotions as deftly as a puppeteer Anesthetize my soul with a kiss Quiet my conscience with sweet whispers Reach your arms around me, darling Hold me close for I fear so many things Only the warmth of your embrace keeps me sane Only the power of your eyes makes me forget All the reasons why this shouldn't be Reach your arms around me, darling Patch the holes of my psyche Don't let go, love, I don't know how long I have before I crack again

On Living On My Own

It has been a year . . .

since I moved in with my aunt and grandmother. My time there has alternated between being the best times of my life to ones filled with stress and worry.

Friendship - Dinah Maria Mulock Craik

Oh, the comfort — the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person — having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. The Best Loved Poems of the American People (1936)


I had every step of Thornburg memorized from my house on Alvin all the way past Fesler, down to Cypress. I'd go down this street to go to junior high, to church, to my beloved library. I'd fallen on it (and scraped my knee pretty badly), hit a truck while riding my bike, gazed at cute, unattainable neighbor boys, and made friends with its inhabitants. As I grew older, Thornburg was where I strolled with my first love and where he stole his first kiss on my cheek. It was a street that featured in my dreams and nightmares long after I moved away from my hometown. And though I wasn't much of an adventurer, this was a street that I could travel with complete ease because I knew what was around every corner. But this post isn't necessarily about Thornburg. Thornburg was the way that I went to another hallowed part of my child hood: Veteran's Memorial Park. I have a lot of stories to say about that place from my childhood to my teenage days. When I was 5, my

Cameo Appearances


Tonight I undergo a sleep study for sleep apnea. According to the literature, a technician will attach a multitude of electrodes to various parts of my body. During the first 3-4 hours, they will record my normal sleep patterns. The technologist will tally how many "events" occur. Then if I meet the criteria, I will be placed on a CPAP device, which is a mask that goes over my nose and around my head. It is a device that acts like a splint to keep my airways open. I am apprehensive, but it seems like an interesting experience. Overall, my health has been improving and I feel like things are changing inside my body. I've lost a total of 21 lbs from my heaviest weight, and a total of 11 lbs since the beginning of this year. It is not rapid weight loss, but I think it is an enduring loss, so I have cause to be proud. I am using a website to track my daily calories. I eat what I like, but I am more conscious of portion size and variety. My diabetes has not retu

Friendship, Friendship, Such a Perfect Blendship

Spanning back to my first diaries, there are countless references in my writing regarding friends and my lack thereof. From gradeschool, I yearned to have more friends but never quite knew how to get them or what to do when I had them. Every new school year I would vow to make more friends; I would be more outgoing and more enjoyable to be around. And every year the first days of school would pass and I would again retreat into my world of books. As I got older and more isolated, I found that most of my friends were made online, which I considered a very safe environment, or they were coworkers. I would second-guess my ability to deal with other human beings. Things are so different now. I have friends in the tangible world. When I go to karaoke, people greet me by name, give me hugs, rave about my singing, and ask me if I will be there again. Do you know how long I have waited for people to say those things to me? It is so amazing. Last night I was invited to join a gr


I have had a problem with my weight for years now. By eliminating the weight problem, I hope to reduce my health problems as well. At the end of last year, I started taking small steps to lose weight. I ate less of what I loved and started walking more. The results were encouraging, but I felt I had to do more. I joined a site that allows me to enter a goal-weight and gives me the number of calories I should eat in a day to reach that goal. So I have been tracking my calories. I don't truly restrict myself from something, but I am conscious of how many calories it is and if I am under my limit. This site has the nutritional information for almost anything imaginable.