Drops In the Bucket . . .

Forgotten Gems

2012-02-09T16:02:00.000-08:00

Balboa Park, January 2011

San Francisco, February 2011

Sunrise: Corner of Trask & Magnolia

2012-02-08T14:45:00.000-08:00

Gender Roles & A Brother's Love

2012-02-01T09:55:00.000-08:00

I have characterized myself as a girly girl. I like smelling nice, wearing a little bit of makeup before I go out, wearing skirts and dresses, and hosiery and heels. But I'm also a geek who loves designing and coding websites, reading science fiction books, comic books, artificial intelligence, true crime novels, and Battlestar Gallactica. I don't have an obsession with shoes, purses, or shopping, but I do love maps.

My husband loves fixing mechanical things (helicopters, cars, etc.), playing first-person shooter RPGs, motorcycles, guns, and P90X. But he also loves art, drawing, yoga, 3D animation, fussing with his hair, cooking (his food eclipses the variety and tastiness of my own), and is very nurturing.

I love being a woman, and I know he loves being a man. But we both like things that don't necessarily fit the gender roles prescribed by society.

Perhaps my desire to appear attractive is a biological instinct to attract a mate. Perhaps my definition of girly girl is formed wholly by the American media. For example, I consider what I am wearing today as conservative: black slacks, gunmetal grey tank top, fuchsia cardigan, but "pretty." In another society, what I am wearing would be considered too revealing because of the fit of my pants and my decolletage. Regardless of how or why these definitions came to be, they form a part of my gender identity. I am an adult and I embrace the choices I have made.

All that being said, I don't believe that gender roles or gender identity should be forced on a child. They have to be given the room to form what they like and don't like.

I read a blog post on Huffington Post written by Kristen Wolfe, a GameStop shift manager. It was originally posted on her Tumblr, but that seems to have been taken down. Her blog was an open letter to a pair of brothers who visited her store. In her letter, Kristen wants to praise the brother who stood up for his brother against a father that did not want his son buying a game and game controller that he viewed as girl-centric. It was heart-warming but also thought provoking.

The father was threatening to spank the younger son if he did not put back a purple controller and a video game where the main character was a woman and picking a more "manly" game. The older brother put his foot down and declared since it was his money, his brother could get what he wanted. I'm proud of the older brother. He realized that his father's insistence was hurting the younger brother. In this tense moment, the younger brother can be sure of his brother's love -- love that every child deserves to feel!

Sadly, I've seen people like the father amongst friends and family members. They aren't necessarily threatening to spank or beat their children. But a child can definitely feel their parents' censure and disappointment. When a child wants or likes something against gender stereotype, they are immediately steered in a different direction. Those small acts can mean a lot and make a child feel inadequate.

Our largely patriarchal and puritanical society has established gender identity and gender roles and for many, straying from those established roles raises red flags about a child's sexuality and gender identity. At those young ages, children aren't even thinking of whether or not their choices indicate their sexuality. I wish children were just allowed to be children.

My youngest son's favorite color is pink. At first, I tried to dissuade him from liking it when I realized how ridiculous it was. I don't get to tell him whether to like pink or not. As a parent, all I can do is protect him from real threats. Now that he is almost 11, the only advice I've given regarding his love of pink is to be aware that other children might say mean things about it, but that he should not be embarrassed. Do I think my son will become gay? Nope. Would it matter? Nope.

I've seen other children being forced to play sports even when they say they hate it. Being forced to play sports, play a certain game, or wear specific colors are not going to make a boy become straight and the opposite won't make him gay.

We need to stop this obsession of what "boys" should play with or what "girls" should play with. If your daughter wants to play football, let her. If your son wants to take ballet, let him! They all grow up much too soon, and we need to make sure they grow up loving themselves and having healthy relationships with their friends and family.

This is love...

2012-01-31T15:14:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to preserve this message my husband Jarrod left me on Facebook yesterday -- a particularly bad day.

"In this one, brief glimmer of existence where we find ourselves ever so temporarily, I choose to love you. Because you are everything that is right with humanity. That's honestly not hyperbole.

You are responsible, compassionate, intelligent, and infinitely patient. When I am with you, my pessimism subsides, and I feel hopeful that one day, perhaps long after we've passed on, that most of the human race will be as rational, compassionate, and loving as you are.

I am in love with you, Vanessa! Everyday, just by being your sweet, beautiful self, you inspire me to become a better man. And I want to share the rest of my life with you.

...I'm so glad I married you. :)"

Here was my sacchrine response:

"Oh wow. Every second you prove to be the best man I've ever known. I love you so much. I really needed this right now. How do you know me so well?

I'm so glad I married you too, Jarrod. We might be putting everyone on our Facebook's into a sugar coma, but I don't care. You're my favorite person on the planet. I'd ask you to marry me over and over again. It already feels like we're on a permanent honeymoon.

Love you!"

Political Bystander

2012-01-27T14:25:00.000-08:00

Last Night's GOP Debate Was Like Bad 1950's-Style Science-Fiction

This piece was brilliantly written. Just yesterday I had to stop myself from reading articles regarding the Republican presidential candidates so I could complete a project. My public declaration read:

DECLARATION: While articles abound regarding the Republican presidential candidates, I shall not be distracted by their comedic value, sheer lunacy, nor their repugnant views. I have a proposal to finish and these things must wait! I must resist my urge to click on the news websites. Closing Facebook down until this afternoon. *game face*

I'm beginning to think my reaction to the debates, video clips, opinion pieces and articles following the republican candidates would fall under the "bystander effect." I can't help these people see reason nor save them from their myopia. Am I watching as a spectator while these candidates eviscerate themselves for my own amusement? Are they my own political Roman gladiators --pasty, mom-jean wearing, jowel shaking gladiators-- and I'm just waiting for first blood?

I won't waste time feeling guilty because deep down and as revolting as these candidates are to me, I'm saddened to think that there are millions of voters out there prepared to vote one of them into the highest office in the land. They are offering fantasies and their visions of utopia with very little comprehension as to the impact of their policies on America as a whole.

Right now, we can all turn off our televisions and quit our news hunting, but there is a chance that one of these characters will become President one day. We will quit being the spectators and end up one of the victims laid out on the sparring floor.

Sisters . . .

2012-01-23T14:32:00.000-08:00

The drive was long, the cranky children plentiful, but I got to see my sisters Violeta and Lis in the Central Coast yesterday! Raymond , Verena, Lorena, and Lenthonio are such good nieces and nephews. I'm lucky! AND I finally got to see baby Ananalie! She's gorgeous and so alert! We went to Guadalupe Beach that's just breathtaking this time of year, we went to see my Uncles and Aunts in Santa Maria, then Chuck E Cheese's, various drives around the central coast, a night at the Motel 6, and much more. Jarrod Hahn enjoyed being Tio Jarrod. *smiles*

Best of all, we found a malnourished dachshund wandering the street. Poor thing is skin and bones, has a crooked front paw that we need to get checked out, and some fresh scars on his side and bite marks on his head. He almost got hit twice by a car before we picked him up. We took him home and we're going to see if he's chipped when we take him to the vet. If he's not, we're keeping him! We've named him Clyde. He's so sweet around children and quiet. Doesn't bark at people. But as soon as he saw my sister's cat and then our cat Butterscotch at home, he went into bark mode. It's high-pitched! We're going to have to work on that if he becomes a permanent member of our family.

Fantastic weekend.

Paula Deen & Diabetes

2012-01-17T09:27:00.000-08:00

I think it's awful that Paula Deen has known for three years that she had diabetes and never once told her viewers. The types of foods she cooks with all the fat, butter, lard, cream, etc. is not the way a person with diabetes should eat. It was her food that led to the weight that led to her Type-2 Diabetes. As long as your body is still producing insulin, Type-2 diabetes can be "resolved."

When I was diagnosed with Type-2 diabetes in 2004, my morning blood sugar was 210 (that's bad by-the-by). I was put on three drugs: metformin, avandia, and Byetta (synthetic gila monster saliva!). Shortly thereafter, I changed my diet, stopped buying flour tortillas, stopped drinking sodas, and sweets. I lost weight, and I've been at a normal blood sugar (no pills) since 2008. I was overweight then, but as you all know, I'm still working on it. I never want to go back to injecting myself with Byetta or testing my blood sugar on my fingers at work before lunch.

When Paula Deen went on Dr. Oz last month, she never once mentioned her diabetes - just her smoking. As a diabetic, smoking makes it three times as likely for her to develop heart disease, messes with her blood sugar levels, lowers good cholesterol, and can cause blood clots.

As someone who has had diabetes and no longer has it, I feel that it is Paula Deen's responsibility to change the way she cooks and the types of foods she promotes so that the people who follow her will understand that healthy food CAN be good food. It can be just as scrumptious as her other meals. No one has to lose their limbs, lose their vision, or lose their life because they don't want to change their diet. She has a public forum to be an advocate for health, and it's sad that she hasn't declared she's changing her act. She only states that her viewers need to practice moderation. What a load of crap!

Cartography Pornography - January 15, 2012

2012-01-15T01:28:00.000-08:00

Cartography: car·tog·ra·phy /kärˈtägrəfē/

Noun: The scienceor practice of drawing maps.

Synonyms: mapping

I, Vanessa Hahn, am a cartophile.

Old World Map in my Entryway

I love maps! Maps are intriguing,beguiling, and sexy. My collection ofmaps is hung on the walls of my office and at home. While older maps are my passion, finelycrafted modern maps still make me irrationally happy. This passion I have for mapshas extended to personalized checks with an old world map motif, journalcovers, atlases, and a small collection of globes. The great thing is that my love for maps isshared by many people.There are museums(1) thatcater to people of my ilk. NationalGeographic has a neat online application where you can create your own custom maps.

My fascination with maps started when I was a little girl. My mother married my stepdad Bill. He didn’t like to stay in the same place forvery long. He is like that to thisday. We moved around a lot during thetime they were married. We lived as fareast as Texas, as far north as Washington, as far south as Mexico, and all overthe State of California. My mother andstepdad divorced when I was 9 years old, and we relocated back to my hometownof Santa Maria, California. The constantstate of upheaval inspired both a wanderlust and a desire for permanence. I saw myself in my own home with a family,but I also saw myself traveling. It wasat this time that my old globe became a focal point.

This globe to the left is the closest
I could find to the globe I had.

We had an old globe that moved around with us. Back then, I lived in a fantasy world ofbooks and my imagination. I would twirlthe globe around its base, point out my finger to stop it, and wherever myfinger landed, that’s where my story would take. (Honestly, I probably spent a long timespinning the globe WHILE reading some of my books.) I remember writing a short story in sixthgrade where my protagonist was going to travel to France from England to slaythe last of the dragons. I found theports of Portsmouth and Le Havre on my globe and wrote them into the story asthe places where he would take a boat to travel to France.

I love cartography as well. I don’t practice any more, but at 8 years old, it was a regular pastime. I would take a piece of paper and spend hoursdrawing the shorelines of various land bodies. I wanted to get the proportions just right so it looked exactly like theimage on the globe. I would incorporatethese drawings into my stories, emulating the maps Tolkien created for Lord ofthe Rings. I wish I still had copies ofthese stories. Most have them has not survived into my late 20s.

When my stepdad Bill and mother separated and ultimatelydivorced, I would receive letters from him that recounted tales of world traveland meeting famous people. As a child, Ibelieved my dad to be as worldly as Indiana Jones. I would look to see if Icould find the city where he lived on my globe or in any of the atlases I hadin my school books. (I later found outthat he did not travel to all the places he said he did.)

Maps will continue to inspire a host of emotions in me. I will continue to collect them. I only recently stopped because I told myselfthat I would not collect any more until I get the two incredible world maps Ihave rolled up framed and hung. Aspecial mention should go to David Imus,creator of the award-winning The Essential Geography of the United States ofAmerica (article). Previous winners of the Cartography and Geographic Information Society (CaGIS)’s award have been National Geographic (three times), the Central IntelligenceAgency Cartography Center, and the U.S. Census Bureau. Mr. Imus’ love of maps and over 6,000 hoursof work have paid off and hopefully inspired a lot of youngercartographers. See it here.

1. 1) The Map & Atlas Museum is relatively nearby,and I still haven’t been there. It’slocated at 7825 Fay Ave, Suite LL-A, The Merrill Lynch Building, La Jolla, CA92037; info@lajollamapmuseum.org. Jarrod and I are planning a trip.

New Beginnings

2012-01-09T14:59:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted anything in a long time. I stopped writing blog posts after I wrote Grandma Jewell's funeral program. It seems I didn't have much to give. From the outside in, she was my step grandmother. She opened her home and her heart to this little curly haired imp when my mother met my step dad Bill when I was two years old. I didn't get to know her until I was an adult, but she came to mean so much to me. She advised me when I was going through my divorce. She insisted I deserved better. She lent me money when I felt I had no where to go. I worked hard not to break her trust. In 2008, I moved in with her and my Aunt Tina. I lived with her for more than a year and a half before she passed away. She told me so many stories about growing up and her views on thing. Her life was a great adventure.

She passed away at the height of my struggle with back pain. I wasn't there when she needed me. My visits were infrequent. I had two herniated discs, in physical therapy, with no relief in sight. I was also severely overweight. I didn't realize I would take her death so hard or that I would feel so guilty. Up until that point, no one I was close to had died. My grandfather Manuel passed away in 2009, but we were never close. Her loss was poignant. I decided to take a trip to New York City to have an adventure like she did. It was wonderful, but my pain still consumed my energies.

In August 2010, I had my back surgery. My weight loss and surgery have made the pain go away, but my writing never resumed.

I think about her and how she would have been proud of me. She was always proud of me, but I know it hurt her to see me overweight. She would have loved my husband. She was wickedly clever and so is Jarrod. They would have been like peas in a pod. I'm sure of it. She would probably make a naughty joke about me finally "getting some." *smiles*

Life has been turbulent these past few months and years, but so exciting. There have been trials, but my heart is filled with joy and love for my family and friends. I owe it to my Grandma Jewell and to my family to be half the vibrant woman she was.

Ethnicity & Identity

2012-01-04T14:07:00.000-08:00

I grew up not knowing my father. I knew his name, I knew that my parents divorced when I was a baby, and I knew that he was a very bad man.

My mother did not like talking about my father. If she ever mentioned my father, it was to alternate between saying how stupid she was for being in love with him and sometimes doubting that he did the bad things he did -- even though she saw it with her own eyes. Both my brother, who shares my father's first name, and I were painful reminders of my father.

I often felt that I sickened my mother. My mother and I were RH incompatible. I was born severely anemic and shortly after I was born, my father was flown to Fresno, CA to give me a blood transfusion. As a result of our incompatibility, her breast milk made me sick. My childhood was dotted with comments from my mother regarding my blood. "You have more of your father's blood" and "you're the only baby I didn't breast feed." Knowing what a bad man my father was, I felt that this tainted blood made me unloveable. I have grown since then and realize that the blood he gave me that saved my life was quickly recycled by my body. My blood is my own. I can only thank him for my existence...and little else. But it doesn't change how I felt as a kid.

In the midst of this mental torment that my parentage caused me was a simple fact that was neither positive nor negative. My mother told me that my father was half filipino. I grew thinking I was part filipina and despite all the bad things I knew about my father and wondering about the unknoweable things, I knew this fact. I knew that I was 3/4 mexican, and 1/4 filipino. In 6th grade, I made a report about the Philippines for Mrs. Prober's class. I was proud of my mexican and filipino heritage.

The year 2011 changed what was unknowleable. Those unknoweable things were my siblings, my extended family, my aunts and uncles that I had no names of. My mother never wanted to talk about my father and I didn't want to press her on these things. Then my father's eldest daughter, Violeta, found me and opened the door to the whole Payan family. I suddenly had my father's side of the family in my day-to-day existence.

I never thought to question his ethnicity until today. Turns out, there is no filipino side. I went from knowing something about my ethnic identity to having it erased. Aside from the bad things he gifted my mother and my siblings, one vital piece was gone. Even my sons say they are 1/8 filipino. That's gone too.

There is a great sense of loss that perhaps is not justifyable. I did not cook filipino foods. I have very few filipino friends. I cannot speak any of their languages. It was just a part of me like my hair and my skin tone.

This feeling will go away with time but it does change me. Irrationally, I feel like he stole it from me.

Married!

2011-08-26T11:00:00.000-07:00

60 Awesome Portraits Of Gay Couples Just Married In New York State

2011-07-25T15:03:00.000-07:00

Is this what makes the Far Right so threatened? Could these faces alight in pure joy truly make some Christians fear for their marriages and their souls? To deny this joy and fellowship to these couples should be a crime. Congratulations to all those beautiful couples in NY. ♥

Images via AP

UPDATE ON BACK:

2011-06-30T14:17:00.000-07:00

Background

In November 2009, I started experiencing pain in the middle of my right buttock. It would start really late in the day, and I would just go to bed at that point and wake up fine the next morning. Over the next few weeks, the pain would start earlier in the evening until it would happen at work. I would take an over-the-counter (OTC) pain reliever and feel some relief.

In December 2009 and January 2010, the pain began to curl down the back of my right thigh and my toes started tingling. Laying down, walking around, and taking an OTC would give me some relief. So would going to sleep. In January, I woke up and I was already in pain, and that is what prompted me to see my primary care physician (PCP).

My PCP said that I had the symptoms of sciatica and prescribed me neural medicine and a non-narcotic pain medicine. They didn't really help, so after a few weeks, he prescribed me some ibuprofen and submitted an authorization for me to get an x-ray and physical therapy. As some of you know, the physical therapy authorization did not go through. I had my x-ray in February 2010, but it did not show anything significant (you can't see nerves on an x-ray).

The ibuprofen helped, but if I would forget to take it, I was in a lot of pain. I went back to my PCP, and he decided to send me to an orthopedic specialist. The specialist also diagnosed my pain as sciatica and submitted an authorization for me to get physical therapy. I was finally approved and started in April.

For two months, physical therapy was nice but it didn't help. I still felt pain. The physical therapist said I needed more diagnostics, and the ortho specialist submitted an authorization for me to see a spinal specialist, a neurosurgeon.

After my visit to the spinal doc in early June, I got the authorization to get an MRI in mid-June. I got the results a little more than a week ago.

MRI Results

One centimeter posterior, central right-sided herniated disc at L5-S1 with nerve root impingement and spinal stenosis, which means that my disc is popping out pretty far, and my spinal cord and nerve roots are being compressed.

Spinal Specialist Recommendation

I had my appointment with the spinal specialist yesterday evening. He said essentially what I had been thinking since I found out I have a herniated disc. He said my weight loss and physical therapy might have been effective if I had a small to medium herniation (3 mm to 7 mm), but that the size of my herniation at 10 mm is severe, and there are not a lot of options available to me. His recommendation for me is to have surgery, but that it's not at an emergency level at the moment.

We spent the next half hour going over my MRI results, with him patiently explaining the different views and angles. In the images, I could see about have of the cavity meant for my spinal column was being taken up by my disc mass/fluid. He also talked about my nerves in very clear analogies. For example, he said that my left nerve root exited my spinal column in what could be called a four-lane highway. On the right side, it had been reduced to a dirt road.

We discussed another symptom that concerned him more than anything. Two weekends ago, while I was taking my boys to see Karate Kid, I was wearing high heels. When I was almost half way to the theater, my right ankle started turning out. It didn't hurt, but I couldn't walk well. It felt so uncomfortable, I stopped and bought some sandals. He tested me, and I have reduced reflexes in my right ankle, and I couldn't balance on my right root. If that gets worse, I will need emergency surgery.

We talked about my options.

Chiropractor

I asked him if going to a chiropractor would be an option. He said no quite emphatically. My nerve channel is so narrow, a chiropractic adjustment could cut it off completely. I was concerned that he just wanted me to have surgery, and he said that even if I don't have surgery, that I should not risk cutting off the nerve completely because I could lose all function in my leg. Not something I really wanted to hear, but it was his professional appraisal after all.

Epidural

He says I could get an epidural steroid injection for the pain, but with reservations because it might not work due to the size of my herniation. Apparently, the shot would only delay the inevitable.

Surgery

He said that my best option for a complete recovery would be surgery. I asked him how long the recovery time would be, and he said that I would probably have to take a month off of work.

Outcome

After discussing the options with the spinal specialist, I said that I needed to figure out how I could take a month off of work and figure out my finances. I have to pay 30% of my hospital costs out of pocket. That's a lot of cash. So his staff submitted an an authorization for me to receive the injection so I can at least have some relief from the pain while I figure out what I'm going to do.

Happiness

2011-05-26T14:09:00.000-07:00

A couple of people lately have commented on how lucky and how good my life is. I don't disagree with them in sentiment. I AM lucky and my life IS good, but it is simply a matter of outlook. I choose to be happy with what I have, and put in hard work to have everything else.

1. Job. I have a great job, but I work long hours and work my butt off to accomplish everything expected of me. I am salaried, so even though I worked almost 8 hours overtime last week, I'm not getting any more money for it. It doesn't matter that I'm often the last one out of the office. I don't care because I am proud of the quality of my work. It shows, and THAT's why I continue to have this great job.

2. Money. Great job aside, I still live paycheck to paycheck. Some months are easier than others. I have hospital bills, student loans, loans I took out while I was in that hospital, car loan, insurance, rent, etc. etc. I know the reasons WHY I live paycheck to paycheck, and I'm making every effort to get out of this hole I dug for myself. I don't sit around saying my life is awful. When I'm not working for my employer, I'm doing my freelance graphic design.

3. Fiance. My fiance Jarrod is an amazing man. Good relationships take work. I dated off and on for a few years after my divorce and had a lot of disappointing relationships. But Jarrod was worth the wait. I am not perfect, but neither is he. We accept our imperfections and think we are still perfect for each other. Even when we have disagreements and the rare fight. We never let it affect how we feel for each other.

4. Children. Children are HARD WORK. My boys are awesome. But they don't wake up every day being the awesome kids I know they can be. They have me, as their mother, making sure that they do what they need to do. That means praise, but it also means consequences for wrong actions. It means sending them to bed early when warranted. It means being disappointed, but starting over and trying a new way. It means feeling guilty for not knowing exactly how to raise a child with special needs. It means meetings at schools. It's not just breezing in the door after working a long day and having two perfect automatons who never need discipline. And now I have three future step kids thrown in the mix. We aren't the Brady bunch. It takes work, constant reassurance, and many family meetings to make sure both sets of kids feel loved, appreciated, and attended to. But it is WORTH EVERY SECOND!

5. Happiness. I am happy because I choose to be happy. I smile when things make me glad. I share those smiles with the people that I love. I tell my friends and my family how much they mean to me. I still have fears and insecurities. I still stay up late at night working on my budget or my freelance gigs to make sure my family and my kids don't go without. I'm still working on my weight. I'm deathly afraid that my back pain will return. I still have a bleeding disorder. I still have thyroid disease. But I don't let it get me down. I don't mope about it. I refuse to accept that life never gets better.

Life is gorgeous. Life is beautiful. Life is happiness. Choose to live that way no matter whatever obstacles are in your way.

Life is so good

2011-01-22T17:30:00.000-08:00

DECLARATION: Life is so good. I have two gorgeous, intelligent boys, great friends and family, a wonderful boyfriend, a demanding career, and I'm finally getting fit and healthy. Happy Vanessa is totally tamping down fearful Vanessa's anxious waiting-for-the-axe-to-fall mentality.

Guatemalan Sinkhole - 2010

2010-06-11T09:34:00.000-07:00

Mankind stayed inside because that's where it's safe
The storms can't reach them behind their walls
Nor against the buttresses of their assumed safety
The winds can only flail uselessly against the glass
And the debris merely collect around doorstops and streets
To be pushed away and cleaned in the days to follow
Even when the force intensifies and the windows are shattered
And the walls and foundations crack
They know that they can tear them down
And build them again because they are secure--
Secure that Mother Earth would be there to hold them

And she tried to keep them safe:
She wanted to extend roots to tie her mass together
But they paved over the ground and put up buildings
So no tree nor bush could weave its way down
Her aged skin had formed layers that had
Taken millions and millions of years to harden
But they eroded her with pipes that led to nowhere
And drains that force fed her the soup of uncivilization
She could not shut her doors nor close her windows
She could not turn away from the storm
And she had nowhere to hide from the winds and water

The firmament shook and still they had no inkling
That their Mother Earth was failing
Until finally, under the strain of her burden, she collapsed into herself
She, the practiced magician, who could call forth trees
And could paint the landscape with flowers
She, who defiantly twirled around the sun
And boasted of eons in existence
She could not pull the floor from underneath them
In the simplest tablecloth trick, and keep the buildings intact
Her leprotic flesh, insensate to their touch, crumbled
And their storied heights tumbled into the her depths

Now mankind is afraid of Mother Earth
They who waged war against her entrails
And pumped their filth inside her yielding pores
Disregarding her needs and the soundness of her body
They call her diseased and tremble to pass her
They fear that she will swallow them again
As though she is greedy for the bodies
That will be hers one day anyway -- forever more --
When she only cries out for them to help her

Find Yourself

2010-05-22T14:16:00.001-07:00

When do we stop and say, I deserve more?
When do the chains of the past get broken?
Who are we waiting for to fix it all?

When do we stop crying and find resolve?
When do the wounds close and the scars heal?
Who are we waiting for to make it go away?

There are no knights out there
There are no magicians
There are no lords nor angels

We are the solution
We are the key to our happiness
Find yourself, and you find everything

Eunice Jewell Beck

2010-03-29T08:29:00.000-07:00

Today is my Grandma Jewell's funeral. I'm wearing a purple shirt, the light purple strapped watch I bought my grandmother (purple and pink were her favorite colors), some black slacks, and a black sweater. I'm also wearing some of the costume jewelry my aunt gave me after my grandmother passed. It comforts me to know it belonged to my grandmother.

I'm not sure what I'm feeling at the moment. I've used Facebook postings as the vehicle for my all too public grief, but I hope that that grief was seen more as a celebration of the life that my grandmother led. I want to thank each and every one of my friends for allowing me to grieve that way and for posting such nice comments. I know death is usually something we keep wrapped up and deal in our own way, but I wanted to share her because nobody else will ever know her again.

I think about all her travels and all the people she has met. Anyone who ever met her was charmed. She has probably touched SO many lives but they don't know she's gone. I designed a funeral program for my grandmother. It is a 5 inch by 7 inch booklet, and I regret that there were some typos in it, so for that, I beg the family's forgiveness. I want to reproduce the text here in my blog in its entirety.

Eunice Jewell Beck
February 16, 1926 - March 9, 2010

E. Jewell Beck led a life most only dream of having. Loving daughter, sister, Sacred Harp singer, cadet nurse, exceptional wife, mother, grandmother, great grandmother, and great-great grandmother, hospital and nursing home administrator, world traveler, lover of higher education, Red Hat Sister, confidante, and so much more.

CHILDHOOD

E. Jewell Beck was born as Eunice Jewell Bennett in Manchester, Alabama into the loving arms of her father and mother, M.E. and Annie Lou Bennett, on February 16, 1926. Jewell, as she liked to go by, was one of 13 Bennett children. They grew up close to nature and the Lord. She and her siblings helped their parents grow and harvest most of the food they ate, and she was no stranger to hard work.

Jewell loved Sacred Harp singing, a traditional shape note choral music, and often sang with her father. In fact, her first trip out of the State of Alabama was to go to Meridian, Mississippi for Sacred Harp singing with her father.

When Jewell graduated from Curry High School on May 8, 1945, she enlisted in the Cadet Nurse Corps. She traveled to Nashville, Tennessee to begin nurses training. It was her second time out of the state. She graduated in June 1948, with a Nursing Diploma and an Associates Degree in Nursing Science and a desire to see the world.

In 1948, Jewell was engaged to be married to Richard Griffith, and worked as a surgical nurse at Walker County Hospital in Jasper, Alabama. She was married at her parent’s home on December 24, 1948.

MARRIAGE

When Richard was discharged from the Army in 1949, they moved to Los Angeles, California. Their first son, William Emmett Griffith, was born on September 25, 1949.

Three more children followed. Daughter Kathryn was born on February 6, 1953, and son Michael Richard was born on July 23, 1954. Daughter Khrystina was born on February 26, 1957.

Richard became a Los Angeles police officer, while Jewell worked at various hospitals and clinics, including the Los Angeles General Hospital, Rancho Los Amigos Poliomyelitis Respiratory Center, Inglewood, and Huntington Park Children’s Hospital in various nursing positions.

Richard and Jewell moved to the City of Orange and bought their first home there.

While living in Orange, Jewell worked with Dr. Grahm Gilmore for 14 years. She was the go-to person when children were sick or injured in the neighborhood. Richard became a police detective for the City of Orange.

MOTHERHOOD

Jewell was a loving and adventurous mother who was not only interested in but interesting to her four children. Jewell took her children hot air ballooning, vacationing all over the country, including two favorite places Palm Springs and Mexico, took them regularly to the beach, and a rock concert or two.

Jewell’s children characterize her as a tender mother who never raised her voice to them. While sometimes working two jobs, Jewell still found the time to bond with her children, whether it was teaching her daughter Kathy to sew, taking tennis lessons with Tina, scouting with Bill, or baseball with Mike, she always found the time. She even sewed her childrens’ clothing and costumes.

HIGHER EDUCATION

Jewell continuously sought to improve herself through education. Jewell earned her Bachelor of Science Degree in Nursing Science at Long Beach State University in 1971.

In 1976, she earned her Masters Degree in Human Resources Development from Redlands University, California, and in 1978, obtained her Masters in Psychiatric Nursing, and joined the faculty at UCI Medical Center.

WORLD TRAVEL

Jewell was able to visit almost every state in the continental United States. She traveled by plane, automobile, and motor home. But Jewell also had the opportunity to travel the world.

In 1971, Jewell and Richard were recruited to join the staff and crew of Chapman University’s “World Campus Afloat,” an ocean liner that sailed from the west coast of the United States around the world for a semester at sea. Jewell served with a medical team of two nurses, a surgeon, and a dentist in the ship’s hospital on the return home. She often said the Ports of Call were more than she could recall.

In 1979, Richard died following a long illness with cancer.

In 1979, Jewell was granted a sabbatical and went with a group of psychiatric nurses and physicians to Russia to observe psychiatric practices there. They were given guided tours of Moscow, the Red Square, the Kremlin, Ibilisi, Yerevan, Azerbaijan, Baku, Kiev, and Leningrad.

In 1980, Jewell traveled to visit her sister Ann and her husband Sergeant Major J.W. Frye in Germany, and they traveled around Europe for two weeks.

In 1982, Jewell went to China with a medical group to witness acupuncture, herbal medicine, and a close up observation of the “barefoot doctors” of inland China. She walked the Great Wall of China, and traveled to Shanghai, Peking, Hong Kong, the Philippines, and the Hawaiian Islands before returning home.

In 1983, Jewell went to Kenya, Africa, with a group of nurses to tour hospitals, and flew with flying bush doctors to remote areas of Kenya, often witnesses both modern and primitive medical practices.

In 2002, Jewell once again traveled to England, France, Ireland and other places in Europe with her Red Hat Sister, Ruby.

RED HAT SOCIETY

Jewell joined the Red Hat Society in 2001. The Red Hat Sisters say, “We are the women in the red and pink hats. We are the ones enjoying life to the fullest, no matter where we are or what we are doing! We are the mothers, daughters and grandmothers of society. Some may ask, ‘What do you do?’ The answer is... We do exactly what we wish to do.” Jewell lived every word of that saying. While in the Red Hat Society, she walked in parades, traveled to various cities and locales in Southern California, participated in social functions, and loved her Red Hat Sisters.

REMARRIAGE

In 1986, Jewell met Kenneth R. Beck, the widowed father of two young physicians. She retired and married Ken on January 7, 1987. Ken was a Retired Marine Corps Pilot who served in World War II, Korea, and Vietnam.

Jewell sold her house and moved in with Ken in a house in the North Tustin area of Orange County. In 14 years, they rarely spent a day apart. He was with Flying Tiger Airlines for 12 years, and then became the Executive Pilot for the Owner/Publisher of Knight-Rider News Service/Long Beach Press Telegram. Jewell accompanied Ken on many of his flights, and was his co-pilot both in and out of the skies.

SURVIVED BY

Jewell is survived by siblings Dorothy Burgett, Pearl West, George H. Bennett, Orby Bennett, LaJoy Tubbs, Arnold Bennett, Ann Frye, and Ruth Walker; her children William Griffith, Kathryn Swanson, Michael Griffith, Khrystina Cothern; stepchildren Walt and Keith Beck; grandchildren Alicia Gervin, Brandy Moreno, Michael Beck, Robert Beck, Joshua Beck, Mary Beth Beck, Jennifer Beck, Lisbeth Ramirez, Julian Payan, Vanessa Serna, Christopher Cothern, Ruby Griffith, and Richard Swanson; great-grandchildren Michael Vander Tuig, John Gervin, Ashley Gervin, Andrew Vander Tuig, Robert Gervin, James Gervin, Joshua Vander Tuig, Lynzee Vander Tuig, Lenthonio Ramirez, Micael Serna, Eleazar Serna, Isabella Beck, Sophie Beck, Kenneth Beck, Daniel Moreno, Joseph Moreno, Milagros De Dios, and Jewelie Moreno; and great-great grandchild Cali Jewell Vander Tuig.

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2010-03-09T21:27:00.001-08:00

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DIATRIBE ON PAIN

2010-02-24T16:36:00.001-08:00

Mornings are blissful because I have no pain. My legs feel a little stiff to start out, but that fades away with the busy happenings of the morning. There are showers to be taken, lunch to be packed, children to get to school, and traffic to be battled before arriving at the office.

I can work comfortably for about two hours, then the pain starts as a dull ache in my right hip. The ache lingers. I know it's coming. I take walks, and that makes it feel better for as long as I'm walking. I've walked around the business complex three times today. The pain extends its tendrils down the back of my right thigh and causes the toes on my right foot to tingle. Sitting becomes torturous, and I get up regularly before it's unbearable.

I can't take NSAIDS like Advil, Aleve, etc. because of the risk of intestinal bleeding so soon after my surgery, yet I have sciatica. The pain is intense and increases as the day goes on. The hydrocodone apap (acetaminophen) prescribed post-surgery doesn't do anything for it. I read the bottle intently as though somehow I'm taking it wrong. How could something that is considered a controlled substance not be effective. But what do I know of medications. I'm taking it every six hours, as recommended. I don't want to take any more. I don't want to become addicted. I don't want to use it as a crutch, so I carefully take only what I'm told to.

I hate this. My only relief is laying down. I spoke with my doctor, and he prescribed me a medication that's supposed to work on the sciatic nerve, but on day two, and I don't feel the benefit. He also requested physical therapy from my insurance company, but as of right now, I'm still waiting for approval.

Pat Robinson - Towing the Line

2010-01-22T09:09:00.000-08:00

This is my response to a comment my friend made regarding Pat Robinson's most recent debacle regarding why he thought that Haiti was stricken by earthquakes.

Pat Robinson said:

"And you know, Kristi, something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. They were under the heel of the French, uh, you know Napoleon the 3rd and whatever, and they got together and swore a pact to the Devil.

"They said, 'We will serve you if you'll get us free from the French.'

"True story. And so the Devil said, 'Okay, it's a deal.’

"And, uh, they kicked the French out, you know, with Haitians revolted and got themselves free. But ever since they have been cursed by, by one thing after another, desperately poor. That island of Hispaniola is one island. It’s cut down the middle. On the one side is Haiti on the other side is the Dominican Republican. Dominican Republic is, is prosperous, healthy, full of resorts, etcetera. Haiti is in desperate poverty. Same island. They need to have and we need to pray for them a great turning to God and out of this tragedy I’m optimistic something good may come. But right now we’re helping the suffering people and the suffering is unimaginable."

Here is a link commentary about the broadcast in question. Here is a link to the video of his broadcast.

She said, "I do believe he (and those like him) are a plague on the Reputation of Christianity."

I responded with, "Reputation of Christianity? He's towing the line, and that's what is so sad. He is a plague on humanity PERIOD," and further went on to say the following:

A group of U.S. Christian missionaries went to Uganda saying they were experts on homosexuality and that homosexuals were trying to destroy the "normal" family, so they proposed laws that homosexuals should be executed. Article here.

In California, the biggest backers of Proposition 8 was a coalition of Mormon and Catholic churches. In fact, "The e-mails and other memos detail the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints' involvement in Proposition 8 -- for instance, that there was at least one LDS volunteer working in every California ZIP code." This prompted an upsurge in anti-gay violence. An article regarding their involvement is here.

During the Bush administration, and because of the Republican party's view on family planning, funding for birth control was reduced not just in this country but for Africa. Here is an article about the cuts. And here is another article.

"Bush's mammoth global anti-AIDS initiative, the President's Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief, poured billions of dollars into Africa but prohibited groups from spending any of it on family planning services or counseling programs, whose budgets flat-lined."

And most recently, there has been a backlash against a gun sight manufacturer who was putting Bible verses on their gun sights. They were under exclusive contract with the US military and used in Afghanistan and Iraq. Now the militants in those countries have one more reason to say that the United States is trying to fight a holy war - Christianity vs. Islam.

Pat Robinson is just part of a huge group of people who make this country and the Christian faith look bad. I am agnostic, but I was once a devout Christian. A Sunday school teacher for many years. I would never want to go back.

BBC News - Google postpones China mobiles after censorship row

2010-01-20T16:38:00.000-08:00

Read the article here: BBC News.

Google is quickly extending its purportedly beneficent tentacles into every facet of our lives - at least our electronic and telephonic lives. I personally use Google Docs, Chrome, Gmail, Calendar, Earth, Translate, and I would love their new Nexus phone. Despite my slight resentment on this daily encroachment by one company, I love their services so much, I shall continue to use them. There are many benefits to using their service. They are free and they do promote open development.

So when I heard that Google is standing up to China because of hacks to the accounts of reporters and human rights activists through their Gmail service, I couldn't help but feel relieved that they are taking such a tough stance. Their rejection of China's censorship is an affirmation of my loyalty.

Granted their altruism might be motivated by desire for a greater market share, but I would rather think it was not. I would rather think that they came to their senses and realized that what they were doing was wrong and they wanted to remediate the situation.

Many people scoff that they only have 30% of the browser market share in China, and thus their actions won't hurt China. Those people don't understand that for a foreign company to have 30% of the market share in China is actually a great feat. They have made inroads in a country where many outside business fail. It will hurt their bottom line to pull out of China -- another reason why I hope their current battle cry is for the people of China, and not to line their pockets.

My friend Michael of Sweden pointed out that:

"Google is definitely an interesting company with an almost unprecedented ingenuity and growth in modern computer software tech. Only Microsoft itself has taken such command of the markets.

As people pat the company's back for taking a stance against the dictatorship, they could use a reminder that Google had no problem with censoring and helping to block internet traffic, information and browser searches until its own product, Gmail, happened to become a target of espionage.

Those 30% of the browser market were only possible because Google gladly crawled for the despots and sold its software there - on Chinese censored terms. But I guess since all foreign companies in any industry have to do the same to gain any ground on that potentially massive market, that makes it alright.

I'm not boycotting Google (great products!), Yahoo or any number of companies for earning a buck while brown-nosing tyranny, but I won't applaud them for taking such minor action after years of condoning and appeasing censorship."

Michael brings up excellent points, but again, I hope Google's stand against China doesn't flag, but bears some fruit for human rights in China.

Muslim Female Dress in France

2010-01-15T10:21:00.001-08:00

ASSOCIATED PRESS ARTICLE: France moves closer to banning full Muslim veil

The non-denominational christian church I was a member of as a child and young adult required women to wear veils when in temple, to wear no jewelry nor makeup (ever), to wear dresses and/or skirts that extended to the ankles, to not cut one's hair, and to be "modest." It is not common in the United States to see women like that. While I am no longer christian, nor do I feel I should follow those mores any longer, at the time, I felt it was my duty to my god and an expression of my faith to follow the dress prescribed to by my church.

While Islam does not require the niqabs nor burqas, and I personally feel that modesty is what one makes of it, if these women choose to follow a custom that they feel makes it easier for them to be faithful to their beliefs, then a government has no right to infringe on that choice. When I was of my faith, I would not wear pants, and my country would not make me do so. As long as the women and men follow the rules of France, they too should be allowed to dress as they please - especially as it is for a faith in their god and not because they are part of some nefarious gang or for a ridiculous fad.

More importantly, any woman, Muslim or otherwise, should not be denied citizenship because they have not assimilated to the "culture of France." France has a reputation for being a beacon of peace and freedom. To suddenly require that a segment of their population "assimilate" to look like every other French citizen goes against everything that the country stands for. France has a vivid tapestry of citizens, of every color, of every religion, and from most corners of the globe. What exactly are immigrants supposed to assimilate to?

I want to reiterate that I do not believe women should have to wear these types of coverings nor the type of clothing I wore when I was christian to prove that they are good women and faithful to their god. A woman can be immoral and immodest even if covered from head to toe. A woman can be unfaithful, even if wearing no makeup. A woman can be vulgar and think awful things, even if she never cuts her hair and wears skirts down to her ankles. Faithfulness to a deity is dependent on one's inner workings...not a facade shored by a type of clothing.

While taking religious studies, I took courses about Islam, Christianity, and Judaism. I wrote essays about the oppression of women through dress. I will be posting these essays soon, but no where in these essays do I take the position that these methods of dress should be abolished. My disagreement with oppressive dress -- from christian Mennonites and Catholic women religious (nuns) to the women of Islam -- does not mean I have the right to dictate their removal.

Tutoring My Cousin

2010-01-14T20:35:00.000-08:00

I didn't realize how much I had missed tutoring. Tutoring my cousin Geneva in geometry. She had a couple of light bulb moments. Such a rush.

Here is a link to the article I first wrote about tutoring my cousin: Helping + Knowledge = Satisfaction - Entry for November 06, 2007

As They Giggled, I observed

2010-01-13T21:04:00.000-08:00

DECLARATION: It's hard to be Mom when they are sick, when they are angry, when they are finicky, when they are fighting, oh but the joy I feel to be Mom when they are sweet, clean from the shower, giggling on the bed, and telling me I'm the best Mom in the world. My heart is so full right now. It makes every sacrifice worth it. (yes, mushy, I know...but damn it's great)